If anyone watched Conspiracy theorist and Glorious Leader Alex Jones’ (praise his name) appearance on BBC1’s Sunday Politics, you would surely be in no doubt about the sinister, 1984-esque police state that we in the UK now inhabit. You would be fully informed about the giant lizards that control it, and their use of Nazi socio-economic tactics in the shape of the European common market. You would have witnessed, with a tear in your eye and hope in your heart Alex Jones (praise his name) face down the simpering leftie-communist-limey host and his bespectacled minion with a speech so eloquent, with such pure and inspiring prose, Shakespeare’s ghost seemed to appear in the room, doff his cap, smile and then shimmer back into the abyss.
Jones, a full time loudmouthed moron, has been sticking his oar in a lot in recent years, and unfortunately found internet fame with his radio show and on youtube. I’d like to think that his listenership consists of a large quantity of America’s hardcore masochists; tying themselves down and writhing in agonising pleasure as Jones’ mouth-effluence slithers into their ear canals. The perverts. Yet the sad fact is that there are many people out there just like him, seemingly prevalent in the hellpit that is YouTube comments, thousands of voices clamouring over each other and seeing who can scream the loudest, leaving the real humans who might actually have something reasonable to say crushed at the bottom of the pile.
Me? I like to imagine that inside that hotel, when the doors close it turns into a giant billionaire’s pissup. Wouldn’t it just be amazing if George Osborne accidentally tweeted a picture of Ed Balls and Eric Schmidt snorting cocaine off of Princess Beatrix of the Netherlands? I’m picturing champagne fountains and piles of Ferrero Rocher so high that you can’t see the top. Yeah, that’s how you live the high life.
So thank god for Alex Jones and his gigantic man-cavern of a mouth. The world would be a much duller place without him- but most definitely a saner one.